Our journey begins with Ross walking down a side walk on a sunny day, dressed beautifully as only Ross does.  He is speaking into the camera; "Here is Gone" plays in the background.

Ross:  Alright Jay, I'm a little like freaked out to be just like thrust into the world of rock and roll without any advice at all.  So I decided to come and talk to director Cameron Crow.  He did the film Almost Famous and he wrote for Rolling Stone too, so he has like, he has just a little bit more experience in dealing with rock stars and all.  So I'm sure, I'm sure he can help me out here.

[Shot of Ross and Cameron Crowe meeting; shaking hands and hugging, then sitting on a couch.]

Crowe:  What are you looking forward to the most?
Ross:  (with many hand gestures)  Just like, getting a taste of or like seeing that like rockstar life, you know. . .plus the girls.
Crowe:  The girls?  
Ross:  Yeah.
Crowe:  Interesting.

[Cut to the middle of a new conversation.]

Crowe:  I think you can't get in the way of the Goo Goo Dolls.  You've got to observe their magic from a distance.  Cool professionalism is what you're going to be about, you know.  I'm flattered that you've come to me for advice because  I feel like I know you a little bit.
Ross:  I feel like I know you, too.
Crowe:  And I'm gonna say to you, and let's say it together--
Ross and Crowe:  Cool professionalism.

[End Scene]



[Camera zooms in on a "Do Not Disturb" sign hanging on a door knob.]

Ross:  (knocks on door, looking very excited)  Hey!  Good morning!
Robby:  (opening door)  Hey man.
Ross:  Good morning!  I brought breakfast!
Robby:  Come on in.  Good morning.
Ross:  (pushing food tray to the end of the bed)  How you guys doing?

[Camera shows Rzeznik sitting very comfortably on the bed reading a news paper, with his shoes on I might add.]

John:  Good.  How are you?
Ross:  Good!  I brought seasonal berries for you!  (indicating John)
John:  Seasonal berries?!  
Ross:  Why not?!
John:  How did you know I like seasonal berries?!
Ross:  I just made a guess.
Ross:  Do you want a muffin Robby?
Robby:  I'd love a muffin Ross.
Ross:  Poppy seed?  No, it'll show up in a drug test.  (hands him muffin)  There ya go.

[Robby and John laugh]

[Scene change; John and Ross sitting on the bed, John munching on his seasonal berries and Robby in a chair next to the bed, apparently finished with his muffin.]

Ross:  I want to get involved with like every aspect of what you do, right?
Robby:  Right.
Ross:  So, what can I -- what can I help with. . .can I carry things?  
John:  Yeah, sure.  If you really wanna carry things.
Ross:  No, I don't wanna carry things.  Can I watch people carry things?
John:  Yeah, you can watch people carry things.  You can ask them what they're doing.  You know, you can, you can hang out with us and the truck drivers and the crew.
Robby:  We'll introduce you to all the pirates, man.
Ross:  The pirates?
John:  Oh, the pirates.
Ross:  What's a pirate?
John:  Pirate?  That's our road crew, they're a bunch of pirates.
Ross:  Oh, that's a cool term.  
John:  They're pirates.
Ross:  Can I be, can you, can you call me one?
John:  Sure, ya, ya filthy pirate, you!
Ross:  Oh, I like that!
John:  Where's your eye patch?
Ross:  (covering an eye with one hand)  Arr, maity!

[They all laugh.]

Ross:  (throwing arms up in the air)  Morning!
Ross:  Do you get free stuff?
John:  When you get free stuff, that's called S.W.A.G.
Ross:  What does it stand for?
John:  I don't know.  But it's like, "Get the S.W.A.G."
Robby:  No.  It's one of those roadie terms.  
Ross:  Do you know what?  I ask you even though I know, because I was just trying to give ya. . .but, it's Stuff We All Get.  
John:  No, way.
Ross:  That's totally what it stands for.
John:   S.W.A.G, Stuff We All Get.
Ross:  Katie Couric taught me that.
John:  I'd like Katie Couric to teach me a few things.

[More laughter and Ross seems slightly uncomfortable about the last comment.]

[End Scene]



[Ross and John standing in front of the tour bus, John with a bag slung over his shoulder and a very nice shot of his tattoo.]

John:  Hop on.
Ross:  Hop on?  Ok.  (stepping on)  Whoa, look at this.

[Inside the bus; John, Robby, and Ross and cramped in front of the camera in front of the Goo's "bunk beds " covered in a maroon sheet.]

John:  This is where we sleep, this is where we sleep.
Ross:  Whoa, don't get a leg cramp!

[While Ross is stating his last line, Rzeznik is digging in between the two pillows on the bed and produces, a small ziplock bag.  A ziplock bag that has caused much controversy on many a Goo message board.  A ziplock bag that appeared harmless enough until it's green contents were blurred out and Rzeznik exclaimed--]

John:  Oh my god, what the hell is this?!  Who put that there?!

[Ross quickly tried to hide both the ziplock bag and it's blurred contents, but Rzeznik is quick and has already shoved it back underneath the pillow.  Robby just laughs and walks off while Ross is left to smile nervously for the camera.]

[Cut to Ross (holding a bottled water) and Rzeznik standing in front of a closed door on the bus.]

Ross:  So, they've just informed me that there is some sort of crazy business going on in the back of the bus.

[Rzeznik leans on the top bunk and ruffles his hair.]

John:  Ready?
Ross:  Yeah, I'm ready.

[Rzeznik slides open the door to reveal Robby sitting on the right of the room on a bench.  Disco music; possibly Earth, Wind and Fire; blares.  The room is masked in smoke, strobe lights and a disco ball spinning in the middle of the room.]

Ross:  Well shit!  (steps into the room)  It's a disco!
*note, the "shit" was bleeped out, but it sounds much better typing shit than, "bleeep." :)

[Enter laughter and bad dancing from both Ross and Rzeznik.  Robby plays it safe by "bench dancing."]

Ross:  (fanning smoke)  This is amazing!  I think I'm gonna have to ask you to leave cuz I'm going to get my groove on!  (more dancing)

[Now appears the head of Cameron Crowe, speaking his words of wisdom to Ross, "Ross? Cool professionalism."]

[New scene, Ross and the guys in the living area on the bus.  Rzeznik sitting at a table with a toothpick hanging out of his mouth; Robby sitting in a chair; Mike, Greg and David (I know his name now thanks to the Tour Book) sitting on a sofa type thing; while Ross leans up against a counter.]

Ross:  I've always wanted to do like a sing-a-long with a rock band on their tour bus, you know?
John:  Yeah.
Ross:  Would you do it with me?

[Enter. . .The Sing-A-Long.]

Group:  You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and then you have the facts of life--

[They are all clapping and singing, Rzeznik looking a bit. . .uncomfortable?  Now comes the verse which they obviously don't know, which in turn enters a bunch of mumbles.  Camera pans to Mike and Greg who, to my amusement, know all of the next verse.  Mike clearly has watched The Facts the Life one too many times.  They then all pick up again at the chorus.  

Next is a jumble of scenes thrown in for our own amusement.  Rzeznik showing an autographed picture of a woman in a bikini, Robby kissing who I am assuming is Wild Bill their bus driver; Mike raising his hands in the air triumphantly, the four walking away from the tour bus, two girls in a convertible with a Goo sign taped to the back, and some guy kissing Ross who then replies with, "Oh my god!"]

[End scene.]


[Scene:  soundstage.  Groups of "Pirates" running about and setting up various pieces of equipment.  Rzeznik at the mic.]

John:  1, 2, 2. . .
Ross:  (on the mic)  I love you Cincinnati!!  Whoo!!!

[Ross appears to have screamed this to an empty arena.  But wait, what is this?  A lone crew member sitting in one of the back rows acknowledges Ross's enthusiasm with a wave.  Then we have a snippet of Rzeznik signing Slide.  Now, onto Ross talking to the head "Pirate."]

Ross:  So, I'm gonna be like a stage manager and you're gonna feed me the lines of what to tell people, right?
Stage Manager:  Yes.
Ross:  So give me a example of a line so that I can like practice.  
Stage Manager:  Wheel that drum riser center stage, double center stage.
Ross:  So should I say it like--
Stage Manager:  Yes.
Ross:  (in a deeper voice and with much authority)  Wheel that drum rise center stage, front and center.
Stage Manager:  Let's get husslin' guys!  Come on.
Ross:  Let's get husslin' guys!

[Now, it's Ross's time to take charge.]

Ross:  (telling various workers and following the Stage Manager)  I need some deck hands!  (gives a small clap and seems a bit unsure of what he's doing)  Come on, come on.
Stage Manager:  Tell Sully he needs to get his shit together.
Ross: (yelling down the stage)  Get your shit together Sully!
Stage Manager:  We're gonna tell him he's got a half hour to do everything he's supposed to do.

[Guy walks up]

Ross:  Ok bub, you've got a half an hour to do everything.
Crew Member:  Ok, f%$* off!!
Ross:   I'm supposed to tell you that.

[They all laugh, but Ross still gives a sad face to the camera.]

[End Scene.]


[Camera pans the crown, then white hall with Ross, Rzeznik, Robby, Mike, Greg, and John Deere.]

John:  Do some vocal exercises.
Ross:  You do them, I'll join you.
John:  Ok watch, you gotta do this one.

[John puckers up his lips and makes that weird noise, like when you're a kid and you blow air through closed lips.  Um, yeah, you might just have to see that part.]

John:  Come on.  

[Ross attempts to make the noise, but he doesn't have as much practice a Rzeznik seems to have.]

John:  (pushing on Ross's cheeks)  Nice and slow.  
Greg:  (who has just been sitting back watching the scene with much amusement finally speaks)  You're spitting on him.

[New room with red door and green couch.]

Ross:  And Robby, what do you do to warm up?

[Robby who is perched on the arm of said green couch, while holding a glass which is most obviously filled with an alcoholic beverage, begins laughing.  Much embarrassed. ]

[Now group huddle, faces down with camera below they all yell--]

Group:  Go. . .*insert whatever they say here*  (haven't quite made that out yet.)

[End Scene.]


[Enter red curtain, the falling of the red curtain, Big Machine blaring.  Ross on the side stage looking very happy.  Cut to Robby singing January friend.  Rzeznik goes to the side stage in all his red bandana glory and yells in Ross's ear.]

John:  (still playing guitar)  We gotta get some girls to pull their shirts up!
Ross:  Oh let's do it!  Let's do it!  (gives the thumbs up and pretends to lift his shirt)

[Meanwhile, Rzeznik is back on stage, still looking to Ross and lifts his tank top up to reveal some very good looking abs.]

Ross:  I'm not going to, they got to!

[End of the show.  Ross, John and Robby in front of the camera.]

John:  Alright  man, so it's been a really great day with Ross.  
Ross:  Yeah, it was amazing
John:  So, bye Jay and everybody and you can't bring your camera up here because we're having a party on the bus and this is the end of the night so, (put his hand on the camera and pushes it away) goodbye!

The End.

*pics from Ragdolls site.

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