intro

You and a group of tourists come upon a small, very country-esque diner in the backwoods of Kentucky. Out front is a large boot shaped sign that reads: The Deep-Fried Boot. Under the initial title is a handwritten sign that says: Today's Specialty Chicken Fried Boot. Upon first glance, you begin to have second thoughts, but the place seems harmless enough so you follow the rest of the tourists inside.

	A young woman in a waitress uniform consisting of: a small hat with pink trim, a light blue dress, white apron, and knee high socks (also with matching pink trim) meets you at the door. She is holding a menu and seems delighted to greet you.

	"Hello and welcome to The Deep-Fried Boot. I'm MandyMay, the owner/hostess/cook/bartender and one of two waitresses here."

	Your group turns to look at a girl cowering in the corner in a ripped uniform and a lop-sided hat hand-cuffed to a table. It looks like she has been crying. . .alot. . .very recently.

	"And this is my slave--er, I mean, other waitress, Tiff here at The Boot. Just ignore the shivering and crying."

	She laughs nervously.

	"I mean, you ask her to do one little thing, like help you make a webpage and she has to get all melodramtic. It's not like I used to her to make said webpage and then permanently enslaved her to carry out all the dirty work that I don't want to do."

	MandyMay smiles warmly then reaches behind her and turns around with a large pile of menus. In the background, you can see Tiff holding up a sign reading: HELP ME!!

	"Smoking or non-smoking?"

	For some reason all those second thoughts you had before return. Suddenly, you turn , as with the rest of the group, to Tiff for advice.

	Another sign is held up: Smoking. It's safe because she doesn't like smoke, so she'll leave you alone.

	You and the group quickly respond, "Smoking!"

	MandyMay turns and looks at Tiff suspiciously. "Smoking is currently full. We're very popular with the smokers. Might I suggest non-smoking?"

	You and the group turn to the smoking section which is completly devoid of all signs of life, then to the non-smoking section. Which, if at all possible, is even more devoid of life. Having no other option, you turn once again to Tiff. Her new sign reads: Turn back! Go back and never return!

You look up to MandyMay gleefully holding out her menus and back to the space which was so recently occupied with the only people who could save you, only to be greeted with utter emptiness. You turn desperately to the door just in time to see it closed by a frightened tourist. MandyMay takes your horrified expression as, "Non-smoking please," and drags you to a table where you are promptly seated. She leaves you alone with your menu.

	If you crane your head far enough, you can see Tiff fantically waving a sign to the closed door: Why did you leave me?!

	She drops her sign and picks up a new one: All of you shall feel my DOOM!. . .upon your. . .filthy. . .disgusting. . .um, DOOM!ed heads!

	You begin to take in your surroundings. From every surface the same three faces stare back at you. They cover the walls, table tops, floor, seats, ceiling, and they are pasted around your menu along with a few scattered pink hearts. You read the note at the bottom that explains the identies of these three strange men.

	Note: I bet your wondering who those handsome guys are staring back at you?

	You unconsciously nod your head.

	They are the one, the only Goo Goo Dolls. For which I, MandyMay, have devoted much of my time and money to. . .not to mention this restaurant. The three members of this band are John Rzeznik, Robby Takac, and Mike Malinin. Worship them. . .have a nice day! :)

	You look down at the note completely amazed by its uselessness. You look up from your menu and to the kitchen where you see MandyMay frying what appears to be an expensive Doc Marten boot. Quiet as a mouse you head to the door for your escape. As an afterthought, you break Tiff's handcuffs and you apologize for not heeding her advice.

	Just then MandyMay comes out of the kitchen with a platter of two steaming deep-fried boots.

	"And here you go. Two chicken fried-boots." She looks up just in time to see you sprinting out the door. Then she notices Tiff. "Tiff get back to your table!"

	You turn to see Tiff running out of the door, trying desperately to follow you.

"Wait! Take me with you! I don't care where you live! I have my most prized possession in my pocket!" She pulls out a small, squirming hamster from her apron pocket. She also pulls out a large yellow hamster ball and puts him in it. He obediently follows Tiff. "We don't even have to worry about losing him. He's like some kind of homing hamster. Do you know how useful they can be?! And all you have to do is take me away from here!"

	MandyMay comes rushing out wielding the deep-fried boot as a weapon. "Tiff come back to your table! And you! You come back and enjoy your boot! And if you return within the next minute, the second boot is on the house!"

	You can see the hills getting closer, you're almost free! Then suddenly, a hand grabs your shoulder and as the darkness engulfs you, you can hear the faint sounds of talking.

	A small smacking sound is heard.

"Bad Tiffani, bad. Go back to your table and take that rat with you! I want no more of this showing of signs to the customers. You give them bad ideas. How are we suppossed to explain this one to the police, Tiff?! This 'tainted meat' thing is getting old."

to The Menu

Don't hate yourself in the morning. Sleep till noon.

from mutedfaith.com