lone two lane road in the middle of nowhere Kentucky. A man in a denim shirt, black leather jacket, and an extremely noticeable profile riding his motorcycle comes upon a very country-esque diner. He notices a sign that reads: The Deep-Fried Boot. Under the initial title is a handwritten sign that says: Today's Specialty Chicken Fried Boot. The man thinks, "What the hell. I'm kinda hungry." A few seconds later, he has parked the motorcycle and approaches the door.
*KNOCK, KNOCK*
No answer.
"Hello! Are you open? Hello?!"
From deep within the diner.
"Everyone get into position! We have a customer!" shouts MandyMay as she straightens her hat. "Heather, get behind the counter! Tiff --"
She looks to the girl locked in the smoking section holding a squirming hamster.
"Put that rat away, people will think we're unsanitary."
"He's clean. He smells like wood chips." Tiff holds him up to the window for MandyMay to see who immediately steps a few feet away.
"You know I hate that thing." Tiff puts him back into his yellow ball. "Now try not to look so pitiful when he comes in. You always try to play on their sympathy --"
"You just made a Goo-ism," said Heather as she places some menus on the counter.
"I did didn't I?" She smiles cleverly to herself. "And there will be none of this sneaky little sign business either."
"Me? I wouldn't dare." She tries to look innocent, but didn't pull it off very well.
*KNOCK, KNOCK*
"Hello?!"
"And everyone remember, think Goo and SMILE." She gives one last warning glance to Tiff, takes a deep breath and opens the door.
"I was just about to leave. I didn't think you were open."
MandyMay was just about to reply that they are always open when she finally gets a good look at the man. The hair, that chin. . .it's Jay Leno!
"Oh my gosh! You're Jay Leno!"
"Yeah, last time I checked my underwear I was."
"You love the Goo don't ya?!"
"Excuse me?"
She grabs him by the arm and drags him into the diner shutting and locking the door behind her.
"You love the Goo don't ya?!"
When he steps into the diner, he immediately realizes who this odd woman is talking about. . .The Goo Goo Dolls!
"Um, yeah. I guess you could say that. They've been on the show quite a few times."
"You are the best talk show host ever! I really have to respect you for having the best band in the world on your show so many times!"
"Yeah, they're really great, but uh, I'm kinda hungry right now. How about them boots?"
"Oh yes, forgive me." She takes a menu from Heather's hand and resumes her hostess mode. "Hello and welcome to The Deep-Fried Boot. I'm MandyMay, the owner/hostess/cook/bartender and one of two waitresses here." She motions to the girl behind the counter. "This is my newest employee, Heather. She's the only one I trust to run the register since. . .well, nevermind."
"Hi, nice to meet you," Heather extends her hand which he shakes.
"So, you like the Goo Goo Dolls, too I take it?"
"Well, actually --"
MandyMay unleashes her look of impending death and DOOM! on the girl at the register.
"I love the Goo Goo Dolls. They are the only band I ever listen to, I worship them."
"Wow, that sounds kinda memorized," he chuckles.
"No, no, it's not," Heather replies nervously.
MandyMay clears her throat. "Smoking or non-smoking?"
He looks to both rooms. Non-smoking is completely empty, turns and notices a girl cowering in the corner of the smoking section in a ripped uniform and a lopsided hat. It looks like she has been crying. . .alot. . .very recently.
"Oh, that's just my slave--er, I mean, other waitress, Tiff here at The Boot. Just ignore the shivering and crying."
She turns her back to Tiff and laughs nervously. Tiff immediately raises a sign that reads: HELP ME!!
"Uh, she's got a uh --"
Tiff raises another sign: No, don't say I have a sign!
"A what?" MandyMay asks.
"A hat. . .just like yours."
"Yes, it's part of the uniform," she says indicating her own. A small hat with pink trim, a light blue dress, white apron, and knee high socks also with matching pink trim.
"Now, is it gonna be smoking or non-smoking?"
For some reason, completely unknown to Jay, he turns to Tiff for advice who raises yet another sign reading: Smoking. It's safe because she doesn't like smoke, so she'll leave you alone.
He quickly responds, "Smoking!"
MandyMay turns and looks at Tiff suspiciously. "Smoking is currently full. We're very popular with the smokers. Might I suggest non-smoking?"
Jay looks to the smoking section, which contains only a very troubled young girl and apparently alot of poster board and at least on black sharpie.
"But there is only one person in there."
"Smoking is full," she says with more determination.
He looks to Heather who ignores him then back to Tiff whose new sign reads: Turn back! Go back and never return!
Jay's look of both confusion and shock MandyMay takes as, "Non-smoking please," and drags him to a table where he was promptly seated and left alone with his menu.
He cranes his head just head far enough to see Tiff frantically waving a sign: Why did you leave me?!
She drops her sign and picks up a new one: You shall feel my DOOM!. . .upon your. . .filthy. . .disgusting. . .um, DOOM!ed head!
He begins to take in the surroundings. From every surface the same three faces stared back at him. They cover the walls, table tops, floor, seats, ceiling, and they were pasted around his menu along with a few scattered pink hearts. He read the note at the bottom that explains the identities of these three strange men.
Note: I bet your wondering who those handsome guys are staring back at you?
He nodded his head even though he had met them about 15 times already.
They are the one, the only Goo Goo Dolls. For which I, MandyMay, have devoted much of my time and money to. . .not to mention this restaurant. The three members of this band are John Rzeznik, Robby Takac, and Mike Malinin. Worship them. . .have a nice day! :)
The menu was just about to lose his attention when he noticed something else. In the corner seemed to be a newly added section, the glue was still wet. It was a collage of pictures of the Goo Goo Dolls. . .shaking his hand. They were pictures of when they were on his show! Plus a small caption.
The Goo Goo Dolls on the countless amount of times they have graced The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.
He was feeling quite proud of himself for making the cover of a menu when he heard something. He looked in the direction of the kitchen and saw MandyMay battering an expensive looking Doc Marten boot and throwing it into the deep-fryer. He suddenly felt very ill and thought to himself, "I thought deep-fried boot was just an expression." Quiet as a mouse, he heads to the door for his escape and as an after thought, unlocks the door to Tiff's prison apologizing for not heeding her advice.
At that moment however, Heather looks up from her register and notices that both Leno and Tiff are making a get away.
MandyMay comes out of the kitchen with a platter of two steaming deep-fried boots just as Heather shouts, "They're trying to escape!"
It's too late, they are both already out the door making a run for it. He made it to his motorcycle but to his dismay someone had let the air out of both tires. He would bet money that it was that Heather girl, she seemed just a bit too nice. He took off for the hills with Tiff not far behind him.
"Wait! Take me with you! I've always wanted to live in LA! I pack light! I have my most prized possession in my pocket!" She pulls out the small, squirming hamster from her apron pocket along with the large yellow hamster ball and puts him in it. He obediently follows Tiff. "We don't even have to worry about losing him. He's like some kind of homing hamster. Do you know how useful they can be?! And all you have to do is take me away from here!"
MandyMay comes rushing out wielding the deep-fried boot as a weapon. "Tiff get back in your smoking section! And you Jay Leno! You come back and enjoy your boot! And if you return within the next minute, the second boot is on the house!"
Heather rushes from the diner also, "She's not kidding! One boot on the house and if you like that, she'll fry up your own shoes just for the cost of the batter!"
He can see the hills getting closer. He makes it! He sees the road! Freedom! He turns back to take a look at Tiff and her hamster's progress, but sadly she has been captured once again. Heather is holding the yellow ball containing the ball of fur and MandyMay is dragging her back towards the diner.
"Bad Tiffani, bad. Go back to your section and take that rat with you! What did I tell you about this showing of signs to the customers. You give them bad ideas. What are we supposed to tell the cops when they come claiming we have harassed a celebrity yet again?"
THE END
How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?
from mutedfaith.com