from John Rzeznik. . .

If you don't like my music, f--- off.  -- On VH1 Behind the Music

Punk's not dead, it's just a K-Mart.  -- hosting VH1's The List

If life hands you a lemon, throw it at someone.

People ask us all the time, "How long has the band been together," and I say, "Romantically or musically?"

You know you've made it when you have your own private stalker.

I was really glad we got to do something like that -- I grew up watching Sesame Street.  I got to meet Grover.  He was always my favorite.  You get so sucked into them.  They are so alive and so real that you forget that there's a large man with his hand up the butt of this puppet.

I just kept saying to myself, "Don't be a sissy in front of all these people, don't be a sissy in front of all these people.  Get up there are do it quick!"  -- on being on a platform above a pool for the Black Balloon video shoot

I have this rule:  It's like, if you write an amazing, cool  song that you mean and then you go put your leather pants on and sing it in front of people; that's ok.  But if you put your leather pants on and stand in front of the mirror and go, "Ok, I've got to write a song to fit these pants," then you're in trouble.  -- from Guild Gallery

One day, the thugs in the neighborhood paid some kid a few bucks to take a crap in the pool, and I had to clean it out.  That was the worst!  -- on his worst summer job

I would psych myself up saying, "Ok, if this girl doesn't like you, it doesn't mean you're ugly, it just means she's not into you.  -- on talking to girls

Jon Stewart:  The last time I saw you, the last time I saw you was outside of Ralph's in Los Angeles.  You were grocery shopping.
Rzeznik:  Yes, I was grocery shopping.
Stewart:  Would you like to tell the kids what your groceries were?
Rzeznik:  A big bottle of Jack Daniels, a bag of ice, and some ginger ale. . .and I saw you and, and it was like, "What are you going to a party?"  And I'm like, "No, I'm just going back to my room and have a few drinks."

You've got to bake it right on the rack because you've got to burn it.  Frozen pizza is only good when it's burned.  -- receipe for frozen pizza

There are a lot of reasons to be hated in pop culture, and being a straight white male is one of them.  In fact, I almost hate me!

. . .I put my own damn toilet in!  That's a really satisfying thing, when you put the wax seal on the bowl and then you screw down the bolts and connect the supply line and then turn it on and take it for the maiden voyage.  I christened that toilet.  That's a great feeling.

Me build fire. Me piss on fire. Why? Because I'm a man.

But I'm a lucky motherfucker.  Everyday I gotta remember that.  Because I could be digging a ditch.

Or you get, "Hey, you're that dude in that band."  I'm like, "No, but I know the dude you're talking about." -- on getting recognized

Yeah, that stupid hole in my chin.  You could drive a golf ball off that thing.  -- on the cleft in his chin
*note to John:  Don't ever let Mike hear you say that.

I think there's this conspiracy to make the world unbelievably stupid.

He held my head when I threw up in the toilet. He took me to the hospital to have my stomach pumped. He loaned me twenty bucks last night. He listens to all my lies and ignores me when I'm full of shit. And that's a big difference, if you know what I mean. -- introducing Robby

I decided I was going to take up meditation instead of drinking.  I'm going to meditate on a six pack tonight.  -- on his New Year's resolution

The Sex Pistols, as far as I'm concerned, were the Monkees with dirty words.  -- from Guild Gallery

The Real Edge Questions

This Doll's Life

As told from the Albany, New York concert, June 5th, 2002:
Rzeznik comes out for the encore, cigarette in hand.

You see that little girl. . .up there?  (pointing to the screen behind him)  I'm gonna tell you a story about that little, beautiful little girl.  Man, I'm serious man, this is a serious story.  We brought her out, we brought her out and we just thought she was just so amazing looking.   She's so, she's strange looking and beautiful and she looked old even though she was a little kid.  And we did a photo shoot with her and she turned out to be the biggest little monster I ever met in my life.  No lie.

The crowd screams and someone yells something out, which you can't understand, to which Rzeznik laughs and replies--

You're gonna make my pants get tight.  (Hmmm. . .I wonder what she said?)  No lie, no lie.  This girl punched me right in the balls and told me to go fuck myself.  And her mother's just standing there going, "Oh-ho-ho she's so sweet."  And I go (talking like in severe pain), "Yeah, she's *inaudible, cuz in pain* piece of shit."  So it escalated from there because she went around, then she punched the photographer in the balls, she punched Robby in the balls (the crowd screams cuz ya can't have that!).  That was the one time in my life when I said, "Man that kid needs a fucking beating."  And then I felt really bad for her because it was so obvious that she didn't want to be there. . .so we fired her.  

But uh, she is pretty amazing and uh. . .the best part when, she threw one of those Ramen cup-o-noodles things, right in her mother's face!!  (acts like he is throwing a cup)  Whoosh!  And you know on the cover she is holding this beautiful flower (cups hands as if holding the flower), and as God is my witness, she took that flower and she ate it.  She fucking ate the flower.  So that was when I was thinking we should just hire a midgit.  Get him real high and just say, "Don't move."  Put a wig on Mini-Me, smear some dirt on his face, roll him around on the ground and then put him in a dress.

Then after this wonderful, heartfelt story, they go into. . ."Name."  Lovely, just lovely.  ;)

One night we were having a big party and we were introduced to Everclear. Not the band, the drink. It's pure grain alcohol. We mixed it up with Hawaiian punch and got so incredibly screwed up that Robby and I wound up taking a shower with the same girl, and then she shaved our legs and we put dresses on. Then her roommate came home and kicked us all out of the house. So being the 21-year-old wise guy that I was, I went into the kitchen, grabbed a dozen eggs, put them in the microwave and put it on high. As we were leaving, all the eggs were exploding. We never saw them again.

Cheese is like glue in the colon...and a man can't make love with a sticky colon.

Why dont you go outside and play a game of hide and go f**k yourself

from Guirtar Wolrd Acoustic:
Rzeznik: I'm a bad rock star.
GWA: How so?
Rzeznik:  Because I don't fuck everything that moves. . .

You can't swim in the pool without splashing someone in eyes sometimes.

Poor guy, the first day of making the record, we made him come up to Buffalo, and the first day he was walking down the street and got punched out by a bunch of kids. So at that point, he was just like, 'I've had it with this already.' -- on the producer of Superstar Carwash

On our last record we had different people working with us and a different philosophy. The philosophy this time, was well, we have to make you appear larger than life. We were like, 'Yeah, we don't want to be larger than life.' 'Yeah but you're going to do this video and it's going to cost you a fortune. Oh, by the way you're not going to be in it.' *laughs*

My band is my gang. You know what I mean? It's like this is my gang and I have to be loyal to my gang.

Yeah, it's your turn to drive. What the hell are you doing? Ah, I got too drunk, I can't do it. Then you have to stop driving for 12 hours. -- on riding in the van in the early days

We'd buy a jar of peanut butter and a loaf of wheat bread and that was breackfast everyday. But I got really good at conning club owners. I'd walk into a club and just start kicking the cigarette machine and going, 'Man, this ate my money!' It always worked. 'Oh, what kind do you want?' 'Marlboros.' That's how I'd get my smokes.

I love those guys. I remember my parents going away for the night, sitting in the living room blasting Budakon and drinking quarts of beer. And playing kissy face with all the girls in the neighborhood. That was a great time. I still remember that when I hear surrender. -- on Cheap Trick

I can't handle people who begrudge me. . .I mean, it's nonsense, it's trash, kiss my ass, get a life.

I want the Revlon contract Shania, you bitch it's mine!  --  after being asked about his new make-over during DUTG and if he was gonna have a Revolon contract next to Shania Twain.

That cow stole my Grammy! --  after Celine Dion won Record of the Year

The following are some quotes I typed up from the Louisville show, 5/22/03.  It is also up for trade on my Let's Trade page.  *hint, hint*

So we got a new record out and if you haven't already downloaded it, please go buy it.  I downloaded it the other day. . .47 times. . .giving it to all my sisters as early Christmas presents.

Well, this is the fourth show of our tour!  Not that that really means anything, actually it kinda sounds like we're trying to make excuses.  Ok. . .you guys wanna repeat after me?  This is the non-conformists oath, ok?  Ready?!  Raise you're right hands and repeat after me.  I will be an individual at all costs.  I will find my own unique self and be the best self that I can be.  Excellent. . .ok, ok, here we go.  Repeat after me, I will not repeats things people tell me to repeat.  Shit, I'm bombing all over the place. . .May as well shut up and play John, alright we're gonna shut up and play, let's go!  (they break out into Flat Top)

Yet another version of the Gutterflower girl story:
What do you think about the giant bill board for our record that was stolen off the side of the road?  (talking about the cover art of GF behind them)  Where is she?  Can I see her please, like real bright.  There ya go!  Except that rose it too big, but that's ok.  Um, we did a photo shoot with this little girl.  That actual little girl.  That beautiful, beautiful little girl.  Do you know what she did?  She called me the f-word and then punched me right in the nuts!  And her mother laughed. . .so I was thinking about punching her mother.  Then I said, “No, no. . .I'll just choke the kid!”  She's actually a perfect kid, she's beautiful, she's wonderful. . .little shit.

Check out a cute little story from John and Robby on The Goo Goo Dolls quotes page from the same concert.

*It’s always terrifying because I literally sit down with a guitar and a blank piece of paper and go, “What the hell am I going to do? How did I do this? How did I make all these records? I don’t know. I can’t remember.” I learned that when the page is blank, just start filling it up with anything and don’t judge it and just keep going and going and going and going and trust it.  --  in an interview with

*I think with iTunes more and more people actually spend a buck. I do it every day. It’s a buck. Please, just give us a buck! I don’t agree with (file sharing). I do think that it’s wrong. I did this work and I deserve to get paid for it. There was a time when I would never have said that. What people have got to remember is it’s really fun to take down The Man but The Man will always be there. It’s the artists that are the last ones to get paid and we get paid the least of anybody in the chain. Our last record (Gutterflower) sold maybe 800,000 copies – we didn’t make any money. None. None. Not one penny from record sales. Imagine if we weren’t able to go out and tour and make money on tour. What would we have done? We would have had a gold record and go out and get jobs.  --  on downloading in an interview with

*Dealing with us. I've heard it described as like trying to hurt cats. Everyone wanders. He's looking at something shiny (meaning Mike). He's talking about roasting pumpkin seeds(meaning Robby).  I'm looking at some girl I shouldn’t be looking at. We need one of those ropes with the knots in it that they take the kids to the zoo in kindergarten with to get anywhere.  --  this quote amuses me highly. . .

more time?  keep lookin'.
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